Spark of Insanity
Warning: The contents of this blog may be sexually explicit in nature. Reader discretion is advised.
Now that we got that out of the way, I have a question to ask: How many of you find the names and details of some of these supposed sex acts, such as the Dirty Sanchez, hilarious?
I say “supposed” because I hope no one in their right mind would actually do any of them; assuming that most men have respect for their partner. Not to single out the guys, but most of the descriptions of these acts describes something the male does to a female.
Putting morality to the side, let’s get on with the real subject of this blog. It all started last week when my coworker said something completely innocent and the rest of us took it the wrong way.
You see, one of the vans we use has a bumper that is full of rust. Absolutely covered. Well, when the employee that drives this particular vehicle pulled into the parking lot, my boss yelled out “Hey everybody, its Rusty Bumper!” as if to give him a new nickname. But, being the depraved souls we are, we took “rusty bumper” in a whole new direction. The rest of the day was spent, aside from working, trying to find a suitable, err…, definition to this term.
As of yet, we haven’t thought of one, so I ask you, the reader, to help us. While you’re contemplating that, I’ll give you my top 5 depraved sexual acts, in no particular order. And, no, I have never done any of them.
- The Spider Man: While banging a girl doggie style, the guy pulls out, finishes himself off into his palm, tells the girl he’s done, and when she turns around, he throws his spunk on her face; the effect looks sorta like the web shooter Spidey uses to swing from buildings. Friendly neighborhood, my ass.
- The New Jersey Meat Hook: Again, starting at the doggie position, the man inserts 2 fingers into the womans ass, gets a scoop full nastiness, and then, with fingers still in the “hook” shape, inserts them into the woman’s mouth and pulls back. Yea, I told you before, these are sick.
- Bob Sledding: Oh look, another that takes pace in the same position as the others. Doing doggystyle at the top of a set of steps, whereby the “catcher” has their hands on the second step down. Lay down with your chest against said catcher’s back and knock their arms out from under them. Hang on and enjoy the ride.
- Superman: This one actually doesn’t take place during sex. This act is preformed by having the man ejaculate onto the (normally) sleeping female’s back, after which he puts the blankets on her . The result mimics Superman and his cape.
- The Razzle Dazzle: I saved the best for last. This one is involved, so I actually copied the entirety of the act from Urban Dictionary:
The Razzle Dazzle is a glorious sex act that takes some planning, but the juice is worth the squeeze. First, you must buy glitter, find a crown royal pouch (the one with the drawstring), and find some rope. Next, you fill the crown royal bag with glitter, get naked, and tie the bag around your waist. Finally, after performing the Peter Pan on your woman, you pull out, jizz on her back or face, reach into your pouch and throw the glitter all over her jizz covered body. You then scream “RAZZLE DAZZLE BITCH” and storm out of the room. Its ok to continue throwing glitter throughout her place and in her closet (never, ever do the razzle dazzle at your own place…glitter is a bitch to cleanup. Women love to cleanup messes anyways).
Hope this post has made you laugh. Or gag.