Driving…Me Crazy

I like driving.  I like driving way more than I like riding as a passenger.  I also love my car, but not in an obsessive, need-to-modify-it-every-other-weekend way.  Add my love for my car and my enjoyment of driving together and you get one happy Chris.

But then, I get on the road and have to deal with other drivers.

Not to brag, but I spent a good portion of my scholastic career on the honor roll so I was always sent home with those obnoxious “proud parent” bumper stickers.  Thankfully, my parents saw as little need for them as I did and never pasted one to the bumper of their car.  I’m still grateful for that.  Those stickers, however, are just the tip of the annoyances with which people decorate their cars.

Okay, we’ll stick with this proud parent business for now.  I’ll let you parents in on a little secret: nobody cares if your kid is on the honor roll.  I have never seen one car pull up to the window of another in a “pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon” style and congratulate both the parent and the child for the achievement advertised on their bumper.  These stickers are useless.  Now peel them off your car.

Another personal eyesore is the collection of decals (found on the back of SUVs and minivans) which represents each member of the family.  Do these people have so much trouble keeping track of their loved ones that they need a visual representation of them as a guideline before they all pile into the van, just in case they forgot somebody?  You would think so, considering most of these decals also have the names of the children below their stick figure doppelganger.  Yes, I understand how the dog is part of the family and should have their own little decal too, but considering the poor thing is usually locked in the empty vehicle without a cracked window in 97° heat while the family trolls through the mall, it doesn’t seem like they value Rover as much as they do their kids.  Isn’t creepy for the person behind you at a red light to know the names of your kids and pets because they’re on your rear windshield?  Start thinking, parents.  If you’re having trouble, I’m here to help.  Scrape the family off the back of the van.  Then burn the van.  Right now.

Naturally, we all regard other drivers as idiots but, for me, the biggest morons at the wheel are the people who can’t read arrows.  I’m sure most drivers are literate so they can read STOP and DO NOT ENTER signs, but does anybody understand what an arrow in a circle with a red line through it means?  Doesn’t seem like it.  What about the giant arrows painted on the road to direct the flow of traffic?  According to most drivers I see, they mean you should put your blinker on and merge into the lane which continues going straight.  Idiots.  By the way, don’t cut across four lanes of traffic if you need to make a turn.  Keep driving until you can legally turn around rather than causing a 40 car pileup behind you.  The street will still be there when you get back.

During the 14 years I’ve been driving, the most inconsiderate driver has always been the one who never uses their turn signal.  These dopes have been recently replaced by the jackasses who fling cigarettes out their window, because I seem to get stuck behind at least three every day.  I’m about a week away from keeping a bag of rocks in my passenger seat.  That way, for every driver who throws a cigarette out of their window, I can throw two rocks at their rear windshield.  If you’re stupid enough to smoke, keep your cigarette butts off the road and in your car.  You’re already sucking fire into your lungs, so just leave the butts in your car and help speed up your death.  You’ll help keep the roads clean and give cancer a hand with one tiny change.

I am Chris Aballo and I approve this rant.