Gimme 5: Irrefutable Laws Of The Universe

1. Kraft singles are not, and never will be, real cheese. I don’t care how much milk they’re made with and how much kids love them, they are just shiny orange rubber.  If you only eat Kraft singles, you are proving to the Universe that you, in fact, actually hate cheese.

2. Everything Kevin James does is crap. Yes, even Hitch.  I’m sure he’s laughing all the way to the bank having played the henpecked fat guy for the bulk of his career, but we all get it, and so does the Universe.  When an actor’s only joke is his weight, no matter what he says on screen, HE is the joke.

3. A posted “speed limit” is actually the “speed minimum.”  Everyone should drive at least the speed on these signs, if not grossly faster than them.  The Universe understands we have places to go, so we are expected to get there faster.  If you drive ten miles-per-hour less than the posted speed limit (like Jack), you will be passed and mocked.  Forever.

4. Chocolate is the only food which is delicious at all temperatures.  The Universe has blessed us with the versatility of the cocoa bean, which provides us with many variations and calories all year long.  Cold ice cream, room temperature candy bars, and hot cocoa vary greatly in temperature but are all equal in enjoyment.  You can’t exactly say the same for prunes.

5. The film version will always be different from its source material.  If you want to see the full story represented somewhere, you’ll have to use your imagination.  That’s why the Universe gave us one; it wanted to silence fans’ criticism of the arts.  Whether a movie is based on a book, a video game, or if it’s a remake of an older or foreign film, it will always be different.  Every medium has its own format.  Books are several hundred pages, video games take several days, movies run about two hours or so.  Accept it and move along.

Next week, I will tell you the five things you’re doing wrong.  Stay tuned!