Good Times With Machines

Sorry, ladies.  You’ll have to save the vibrator talk for after Sunday mass because today, I’m going to talk to you all about automation!

There are few things in this world which irritate me like calling somewhere…ANYWHERE…and having a machine ask me a series of probing questions before I get to actually talk to someone.  I don’t believe this process actually filters your call to the right person.  I always picture a small office with eight cubicles…and only five are occupied.

The call goes something like this:

Thank you for calling Blah Blah Blah.  For English, press or say “1.”  Para Español, oprima “el dos.”

In order to properly assist you, you will need to answer a few questions…

Why must this recording verify my shoe size before putting me through to a human being?  Because companies hate their customers.  THAT is the sad reality.

Please enter your freshman year locker combination, followed by the pound sign.

What?!!  I’m not ordering missiles!  I just want to speak to somebody about my account!

After seven or eight minutes of this, the real fun begins when you finally reach somebody.  What’s that?  I’ve been randomly chosen to participate in a survey about my experience following the call?  Well, seeing how none of the questions involve how to better streamline the call-transferring process, I’ll just skip it.

Now, on to the representative.  Just for fun, I’m going to type this example conversation phonetically.  Good luck.

Agent: Ello, my name es Richard.  Em I speaking to Crees Upulloh? (Note: the agent’s actual name probably has two less vowels than “Richard”)

Me: It’s actually Aballo, like Apollo, but with a B.

Agent: Okay, Mr. Bapollo, how kin I asseest you today?

You get the idea.  Once again, outsourcing proves to be annoying.  While it’s sold to us as a way to help other countries build industry, it’s just a way of paying less money for a lower quality of work performance due to language barriers.

Boy, that’s a downer.  I don’t want to end the blog on that.  I want it to end on something funny.

Hey, THIS is funny!

I’m shameless.