Any Which Way But North

I write to you today about a long-standing animosity I hold towards a certain bearing on a compass. For much of my life, I’ve been building a case in my strange mind against “the north”, and here I will spill my reasoning. I have always associated the northerly direction with negativity, in almost all aspects. When I think “north”, I think about a smorgasbord of colder weather, barren landscapes, ugly industrial fortresses, pollution and increasingly bad attitudes. While the south is known for starting and losing the Civil War (it’s true, you rednecks), slack-jawed accents and cooking almost everything in pure fat, I’d take sweat over frostbite any day of the year. There’s a noticeable difference between north and south ends, even here in New Jersey. People in the north, in general, are loud, pissed off and in a rush all of the time. The further south you travel, you find that people are much easier to deal with. Jimmy Buffett wasn’t kidding when he wrote “Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes”.  The northeastern corner of the state is scarred by broken-down factories, billowing smokestacks, and widespread litter. It even smells dirty. As you make your way south, there are beautiful beaches (hold the hypodermic needle jokes), the Pine Barrens, and people with better manners. Perhaps the worst thing about the north, is the invasion of locusts that it produces each summer, ruining the better part of the state for four months at the hands of hair-gelled idiots. I stand steadfastly behind my idea of an electrified fence separating the north and south in my home state. I would say the only exception to this rule of northern inhospitality would be “America’s hat”, better known as Canada. You couldn’t piss those people off if you doused their mothers in maple syrup and had your way with them. Other than that, “people would just as soon step on your face as look at you”, according to Dan Aykroyd’s character Ray Stantz in Ghostbusters II, about his home city of New York.

You’ll never hear me say, “honey, let’s go somewhere cold for vacation this year”. I prefer to keep it warm, keep it easy, and keep it clean. All roads point south.