Big Asshole Pickup Truck
There are few things worse than a guy in a big asshole pickup truck. You all know what I’m talking about. It’s one of those really unfortunate things in the world that doesn’t seem to go away, like religion, or taxes, or Nicki Minaj. The drivers of these road-hogging monstrosities have a sort of FBI profile now: burly middle-aged male, construction worker-type, always in a rush, always pissed off, gears constantly set to “tailgate”. Even if you can’t see through their usually-tinted windshield in your rearview, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the driver is the guy I just described. If you’re in the left lane, even if you’re speeding yourself, chances are there’s a guy in a big asshole pickup truck two miles back that will be on your ass in a matter of seconds. Granted, I hate the draconian speed limits in New Jersey just as much as the next guy does, but there’s a point where even I draw the line. So in such a case, you have two choices…either move over, or see how much more you want to break the law. As much as I despise the police (and I do, immensely), I squeal with delight whenever I see a big asshole pickup truck pulled over on the side of the road, the driver hopefully receiving a hefty ticket. The kicker is, most of these guys are usually not even lugging anything around in their over-sized flatbeds, and if they are, it’s never anything cool like black market assault rifles, drugs, or dead hookers. I don’t understand the mentality behind wanting a vehicle that you need a stepladder to get into, or wanting a vehicle that’s going to perpetuate a stereotype (like guido scumbags and tricked-out Honda Civics). Every time I see a big asshole pickup truck speed up on my rear, I’m just as shocked as I was that day last week when I found out that Donnie Wahlberg is yet again going to be playing a cop in a new TV show. Nobody saw that coming. Anyway, watch out on the highways for these jerks, always speeding off to their next <<insert generic no-collar construction job here>> job site, or to get blasted and watch football all day with their lunkhead friends. Hmmm, that sounded a little white-collar condescending, didn’t it? Oh well, fuck those guys. Just because you have a job that gives you blisters on your hands, doesn’t mean you need a tank capable of hyper speeds. So slow the fuck down, get a car that doesn’t sit four feet off the ground and stop being a douchebag.
BIG ASSHOLE PICKUP TRUCK. That is all.
P.S.- No hyphens were harmed in the writing of this blog.