H-E-double hockey sticks

Do you believe in Hell (that’s right, I capitalized it)? We do! Today, I’m going to paint you a picture of what Hell would be like for each of your fearless podcasters. AND, for shits and gigs, I will also show you what the fire down below would consist of for Veronica Rizzitello, Andrew’s wife and faithful podcast supporter/guest star. So, without further adieu, I present to you 5 levels of Hell…

The Underworld for Andrew:

  • There is no such thing as fried food.
  • George Carlin is somehow not there.
  • The only beverage available is beer, and he’s still allergic to it.
  • The words “widget”, “plug-in”, “diatribe”, and “hipster” are forbidden
  • The air consists of pollen and pet dander
  • The population, aside from him, would consist of Orthodox Jews (in my blog, they can go there too. Hooray for being offensive!), and guidos with blowouts made of glo-sticks and mammoth fists
  • The P.A. system rotates between the greatest hits of Def Leppard and Whitesnake
  • There are Xbox’s everywhere, but they become self-aware and “red-ring” if he even THINKS about putting any of the Fable games in

Hades for Jack:

  • The only edible food is Kraft macaroni and cheese
  • The P.A. system plays nothing but Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen, and Sammy personally gets him shit-faced off cabo-wabo shots each night
  • The population consists of stupid drunk girls who incessantly send him drunken, unintelligible text messages
  • The Back To The Future movies were never made
  • He has a Doug Funnie-esque wardrobe that consists of nothing but red polo shirts and khaki pants
  • He is forced into servitude by the Devil. His job is to run the Banco DeFranco, where he is required to lend money, interest-free, to drunk girls and Chris Aballo

Dante’s Inferno for Chris:

  • The only guitars are plastic and have 5 colorful buttons
  • There is an awesome record store, but the only way to get there is by ferry, and the boatman is none other than Seth Rogen
  • Flip-flops are required footwear
  • The only movies that are available for viewing involve Katherine Heigl in some capacity
  • Unlicensed surgeons remove his vocal cords before each meal
  • Each incidence of tardiness is punishable by forced viewings of syndicated episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and The Cake Boss
  • Each night, he is stricken by nightmares where he is stuck on a boat with a circa-1983 Billy Joel look-alike and a bunch of underage girls
  • The P.A. system plays nothing but Disturbed, all day, everyday

The Down Under for Ryan:

  • Dinner is pork chops, every night
  • Every girl wants to be “just friends”
  • The P.A. system plays nothing but Lady Gaga, all day, everyday
  • The entire population consists of cops, and flashing red and blue lights haunt his dreams each night
  • There is one tremendous HD television, and The Jersey Shore is on every channel, all day, everyday
  • Flip-flops are outlawed. So are gummy bears.
  • It rains all the time, Seattle/London style
  • Green tea does not exist

BONUS! The Fire Down Below for Veronica:

  • Coffee does not exist
  • Top 40 radio does not exist
  • Screaming beanie babies take turns vomiting on her lap and sticking her with hypodermic needles
  • She is forced to make one phone and one car last for the rest of eternity
  • The P.A. system plays nothing but Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers. Each night, Mr. Petty himself asks her for a last dance, and won’t back down.
  • The phrase “oh my God” is obviously outlawed, because it’s, you know…Hell.
  • Every meal is a seafood medley.