H-E-double hockey sticks
Do you believe in Hell (that’s right, I capitalized it)? We do! Today, I’m going to paint you a picture of what Hell would be like for each of your fearless podcasters. AND, for shits and gigs, I will also show you what the fire down below would consist of for Veronica Rizzitello, Andrew’s wife and faithful podcast supporter/guest star. So, without further adieu, I present to you 5 levels of Hell…
The Underworld for Andrew:
- There is no such thing as fried food.
- George Carlin is somehow not there.
- The only beverage available is beer, and he’s still allergic to it.
- The words “widget”, “plug-in”, “diatribe”, and “hipster” are forbidden
- The air consists of pollen and pet dander
- The population, aside from him, would consist of Orthodox Jews (in my blog, they can go there too. Hooray for being offensive!), and guidos with blowouts made of glo-sticks and mammoth fists
- The P.A. system rotates between the greatest hits of Def Leppard and Whitesnake
- There are Xbox’s everywhere, but they become self-aware and “red-ring” if he even THINKS about putting any of the Fable games in
Hades for Jack:
- The only edible food is Kraft macaroni and cheese
- The P.A. system plays nothing but Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen, and Sammy personally gets him shit-faced off cabo-wabo shots each night
- The population consists of stupid drunk girls who incessantly send him drunken, unintelligible text messages
- The Back To The Future movies were never made
- He has a Doug Funnie-esque wardrobe that consists of nothing but red polo shirts and khaki pants
- He is forced into servitude by the Devil. His job is to run the Banco DeFranco, where he is required to lend money, interest-free, to drunk girls and Chris Aballo
Dante’s Inferno for Chris:
- The only guitars are plastic and have 5 colorful buttons
- There is an awesome record store, but the only way to get there is by ferry, and the boatman is none other than Seth Rogen
- Flip-flops are required footwear
- The only movies that are available for viewing involve Katherine Heigl in some capacity
- Unlicensed surgeons remove his vocal cords before each meal
- Each incidence of tardiness is punishable by forced viewings of syndicated episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and The Cake Boss
- Each night, he is stricken by nightmares where he is stuck on a boat with a circa-1983 Billy Joel look-alike and a bunch of underage girls
- The P.A. system plays nothing but Disturbed, all day, everyday
The Down Under for Ryan:
- Dinner is pork chops, every night
- Every girl wants to be “just friends”
- The P.A. system plays nothing but Lady Gaga, all day, everyday
- The entire population consists of cops, and flashing red and blue lights haunt his dreams each night
- There is one tremendous HD television, and The Jersey Shore is on every channel, all day, everyday
- Flip-flops are outlawed. So are gummy bears.
- It rains all the time, Seattle/London style
- Green tea does not exist
BONUS! The Fire Down Below for Veronica:
- Coffee does not exist
- Top 40 radio does not exist
- Screaming beanie babies take turns vomiting on her lap and sticking her with hypodermic needles
- She is forced to make one phone and one car last for the rest of eternity
- The P.A. system plays nothing but Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers. Each night, Mr. Petty himself asks her for a last dance, and won’t back down.
- The phrase “oh my God” is obviously outlawed, because it’s, you know…Hell.
- Every meal is a seafood medley.