Hamster Wheel Of Absurdity

I spend my days as of late barely masking my contempt for the general public and teenaged girls who “lol”, “WTF” and “<<<<333” the lettering of their phones’ keyboards through a furious text messaging blitz. That still somehow leaves me with plenty of time to think about things that I’m sick of seeing everywhere, like Rihanna and sweet potato fries. My mind wanders to my hatred of potholes, and to how I’m equally infuriated when construction workers get in my way in order to fix them.  My ridiculous brain then moves on to things that there needs to be more of in the world, like songs that are devoid of auto-tune and require an attention span that exceeds 3 minutes and 30 seconds, or anything having to do with pomegranate.

I analyze the quirks of food service establishments frequently, like my abject inability to ever finish a side of fries, or how nobody EVER eats that little cup of cole slaw. Seriously, say the word “slaw” to yourself a few times and tell me what about it doesn’t  just sound disgusting. Don’t we all hate it when the waiter/waitress (I’m not appeasing the PC freaks by using “server”) doesn’t show up all night, or when they’re trying to take your order before you’ve even sat down?

I often think about how much fun I’m going to have when I finally buy a paper shredder to rid my world of stacks of bills from 2001, that I for no reason whatsoever never opened or threw away. I contemplate how much I love “witty banter”, and not just the occurrence of it, but the phrase itself. I drink Snapple so often that the under-cap “facts” I get are starting to duplicate themselves. This is worrisome. The spring allergy season doesn’t phase me, because there’s not a time of year when I don’t want to rip my sinuses out of my face with a meat hook.

I love how Walmarts in the south will carry guns and booze, but refuse to carry CDS that have parental advisory stickers. Bullshit? Methinks so. I regularly have to defend my huge, unapologetic crush on Amanda Seyfried and her enormous eyes. I don’t think that music will ever again be as good, or in some cases as awesomely bad, as it was in the 80’s.

The only way I would be ok with money ceasing to exist is if we were amidst a zombie apocalypse. That would be totally worth it. The existence of Amazon.com makes me never want to buy anything from a store again.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this largely incoherent look into my daily trains of thought.