How To Write A Resumé

For those of you who are struggling to find a job in this most unforgiving of markets, I am going to show you how to perfect that first step towards landing the career of your dreams: the resumé.

Employers have to read hundreds, sometimes thousands of resumés during the hiring process, and yours only has a few seconds to catch their eye. Sifting through bullshit like extracurricular activities, accolades and mundane job duties would be a strain on any employer’s eyes, head, and sanity. That being the case, it’s no wonder that most get a quick scan and then are tossed into the “no” pile.

Here, I’m going to give you the insider’s edge. You have to be bold. You have to stand out. Don’t be afraid to take a risk or two…or twelve. They’ll appreciate your uniqueness and your willingness to show them something they don’t usually see. That may even just land you the job. If you want to see just what I’m talking about, I’ve written a sample resumé and pasted it below. Since I don’t believe in the concept of copyright infringement or intellectual property, go right ahead and steal this piece. Don’t say I never gave you anything. Bastards.

Ryan Taggart

Age: old enough

Sex: who would say no to that?

Current career: retail sales slavery

Eventual career: making people laugh for money (or falling back on my minor in retail sales slavery)

Hobbies: written, spoken and acted shenanigans at The Only Podcast That Matters, farting contests, collecting absurd amounts of Ghostbusters memorabilia

Favorite Month: Febtober

Currently reading: What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth, M.D. Man, the shit in this book…there are some bowel-shaking revelations in here.

Last Video Watched: two British morons trying to pop a 6-foot water balloon (they succeeded)

Most Embarrassing Moment: passing out at work and sliding down the register’s conveyor belt

Current mood: depressed that Christmas is over. Is it California yet?

Words Recently Coined (accidentally or on purpose): “foost”, “cobbtease”

Religious beliefs: I make it a point to eat as much meat as possible every Friday during Lent

Political affiliation: somewhere between “mission accomplished” and “yes we can”. Translation: don’t care

How I Think The World Should End: Ghostbusters III, followed by a zombie apocalypse (I’m more than ready for both)

Salary requirements: eleventy billion dollars

Well, I hope this sample resumé has shown you what’s really important. If you want your life to jump off the page and dazzle your interviewer, take your cues from me. Short, unsweet, and to-the-point. Until your next interview, goodnight, and good luck.