Til Irreconcilable Differences Do Us Part

The concept of marriage has become nothing more than a joke in our country.┬áThe rings. The vows. The togetherness. All of it. People always say “til death do us part” in front of the altar, but apparently only half of those people actually mean it. And those are only the unhappy assholes that actually go through with a divorce. Boredom is rampant in the world of married couples and boredom leads to cheating. Infidelity seems almost encouraged and common nowadays, with websites like AshleyMadison.com providing a haven for married people looking to cheat. The website’s tagline is “Life is short. Have an affair”. I always thought there was nothing more disgusting than an individually wrapped cheese slice, but I think I’ve just crowned a new champion. On AshleyMadison’s Twitter account, tweet after tweet boast claims that affairs make marriages healthier, as well as statistics about the site’s recent booming success. Too many marriages in this country occur because of money, or otherwise illegitimate children, or just general stupidity, and inevitably, people are led to infidelity and divorce at a terribly fast clip (can we say Kim Kardashian? 72 days?!?). If the concept of being attached to one person and one reproductive organ for the rest of your days is something you can’t handle, then don’t choose that path. Spread your seed, have fun, fuck anything that moves for all I care. If you choose to devote yourself to one person, however, come hell, high water, boredom or anything else, you remain devoted to that person. I can’t believe that with something as expansive and amazing as the internet, people can’t find ways to spice up their marriages. Whether it’s skydiving, a new recipe, some sort of weekly tradition, or a new sexual position, the answers are out there. That is your mission, should you choose to accept it. Just don’t let me catch you on that fucking website.