Why A Zombie Apocalypse Is Good

I’ve had a long-standing belief that if at any point the world should “end”, it should be by way of a zombie apocalypse. Many may disagree, believing that the end of days should be quick, having us taken by a massive flood, or by impossible worldwide storms that blanket the earth over the course of a day like in that The Day After Tomorrow turd. However, during a zombie apocalypse, you still have a chance for survival, even if it’s an eternal struggle. The world would change in many ways, and in my opinion, it would change for the better. Today, I will justify my belief that a zombie apocalypse is the way to go if this world of ours were to meet its end someday…

# Pleasure– Anyone who enjoys zombie movies or zombie video games knows that killing zombies, or even watching them be killed ranks up there with the greatest pleasures in life, like food, sex, sleep, putting on a brand new pair of socks for the first time, and taking a really satisfying shit.

# No More Taxes– In a post-apocalyptic zombie world, there would be no government, no jobs, no taxes. Personally, I can’t think of a world that could be better than that. Anything that hasn’t already been looted is yours for the taking, be it food, guns, medicine, or other necessities. Unless you consider slaughtering zombie hordes a job, you never have to get up for work again.

# Nobody Would Be Fat– As Rule #1 in Zombieland was Cardio, the fatties would definitely be the first to go. If any fat people did manage to survive, their days would be spent walking, running, shooting and looting, chasing zombies and being chased by them. Food would be more difficult to come by than it is in our current world, so weight loss really wouldn’t be a choice, for anyone.

# Natural Selection– Survival of the fittest would come into play here more than ever before. Since modern zombies are now faster and more agile, you have to be smart and equally nimble to survive. So if you can’t hold onto a cell phone for more than 2 weeks without dropping it in a toilet, can’t tell the difference between “your” and “you’re”, and actually think Jersey Shore is entertaining, chances are your days are numbered if zombies attack. Hordes of zombies would tear into hordes of idiots, and if Charles Darwin could see it happening, I’m sure he’d stand up and cheer.

# Weapons Mastery– Everyone would learn how to shoot, slice, chop and maim the undead masses. Anyone who’s ever wanted to shoot a gun would likely get their chance. Aside from that, so many different things can be used as weapons against zombies. Some prefer guns, others prefer machetes, because they don’t run out of bullets. Either way, you’ll become proficient in the dealings of death…again.

# Friends Don’t Let Friends Reanimate– Does your buddy still owe you 20 bucks from that bet you made for last year’s Superbowl? Did he sleep with your girlfriend? Do you have a coworker that just annoys the piss out of you on a daily basis? Now you are justified to exact your revenge. Your friend would have wanted it that way, anyway. Personally, if I got turned and reanimated, I’d want my friends or family to put me back down, even if I didn’t owe them money or wrong them in some way.

They’re Coming…