Ankle Biters

Continuing the unofficial outdoor discussion week at TheOnlyPodcast.com will be my rant on those outdoor pests.  While the summer can be the most enjoyable time of the year to go outside and have fun, there are many detractors that can keep one in doors for a significant amount of time.  Number one on this list would most likely be the heat.  Hey I get it, it’s not for everyone.  Number two would be the infestation of North Jersey scum that flocks to our shores every summer and clogs up the parkway like a clump of hair in a sink.

For me the worst offenders of summer have to be the plethora of insects that make any outing less enjoyable.  Now this doesn’t keep me inside, but I understand why some people would have less of a desire to go outside because of this.  When I come home late at night whether from work or recording a genius episode of our program, it usually becomes a race against time to get in the house and get as few bugs to fly into my home while the front light is on.  Sometimes I win, sometimes I don’t.

That’s not even the worse part of the infestation of insects during the summer.  Two weeks ago, our group made a trip to Ocean City, NJ to get some fresh air, walk the boardwalk, eat pizza, and have fun.  While shopping for vinyl records, I was unmercifully bitten several times on my ankles by green headed flies.  Yeah, those little persistent bastards.  The whole trip down the boardwalk we all ran into these little fucks and couldn’t even have a moment to sit on a bench without being bitten.

Days later, the bite marks on my ankles were more visible and grotesque.  One on my foot was so bad I itched the hell out of it and my foot now has a severe infectio.  I felt like Jeff Goldblum for a while, like I was turning into the Fly.  This past weekend, the same thing happened again in the same location.  I’m not saying this to boycott Ocean City.  I highly highly recommend going there as a change of scenery and for some peace and quiet away from Guido scum.  I’d never had that problem with these bugs in the two years I’d been going there either.  It just seems now they’re back with a vengeance and have chosen this peaceful town as their location.  Sounds like a Stephen King novel.

What really sucks about the green menaces is they are almost impervious to bug spray of any kind.  I sprayed the shit out my ankles and arms with Off Deep Woods spray on my recent birthday trip there this past Saturday and they still found a way to land on me.  Fortunately they didn’t bite, but they weren’t immune to landing on me.  My other friends weren’t so lucky.

It really makes me wonder sometimes why bugs like this exist.  I know some are good for some things, which makes no sense to me because I see all insects as pests.  These green heads fortunately don’t carry disease, but will ravage the shit out of your flesh just because they want to.  In my 26 years I have never gotten worse bug bites than I have this summer.  Why should these bugs exist?

We have all these repellents for mosquitoes and bees; why none for green heads?  Bees will leave you alone if you don’t piss them off, green heads won’t.  We need a repellent that kills them on one bite.  Or better yet, one that kills them if they get within a foot of your body.  Do you hear that SC Johnson?  Find their Achilles heel and exploit it.  As long as it doesn’t leave chemical burns on people’s bodies then I’m all for it.  Let’s give em’ hell and make sure there are no survivors!

Hopefully by next summer someone will have taken this into consideration, but until then people apply, reapply and get your fly swatters ready.  Lets bring an end to the green menace!