Little Blue Box of Lies

I know I’m gonna eat shit for this, but I’d rather eat that then Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Or any boxed macaroni and cheese for that matter.  I absolutely can’t stand and refuse to eat any kind of make your own mac and cheese from a box under any circumstances and have to bite my tongue every time someone says “It’s their favorite food” or “It’s the best mac and cheese.”  Bullshit, and that’s what it tastes like too.

Why do I have contempt for this so much you ask?  I grew up privileged with my mother’s homemade macaroni and cheese.  I can say from 26  years of experience it is hands down, second to none, the best mac and cheese on the planet.  It has a magnificent golden, slightly darkened top layer and the greatest consistency of cheese from the top of the bowl to the bottom.  This is a statement of fact, not opinion.  Does that look like favoritism?  Of course it does and I don’t apologize for it.  You try some and tell me otherwise.

That’s not to say I won’t eat anyone else homemade mac and cheese.  My aunt does a tremendous job making it as does Panera Bread, which is the only place I’ll actually go out in public and get it as a side on the select occasions I go there.  Again favoritism, but too bad.  I can’t give you anymore examples of good mac and cheese because everyone else I know uses the Kraft boxed garbage.  The first time I had it was when I was nine years old at a friends birthday.  I had to bites and was done.  I pushed it away like a rich snob because it tasted horrible and wasn’t to my liking.  I think I actually asked my friend’s mother “What is this?!”

Since then I’ve tried it two more times over 17 years and still no change.  The blandest tasting mac and cheese in existence, but is somehow the most popular.  For advertisements on television and on the box that say “It’s the cheesiest!” are a bunch of bold faced liars.  I remember as a kid seeing the ads on Nickelodeon and thinking “Wow!  That looks great!” only to be deceived by the plate of dry noodles and powdered, tasteless cheese with zero consistency.  “This is not mac and cheese,” said the disappointed young Jack.

The other day at my job I was setting an entire end cap of this stuff, which by the way is a bitch to set, because if one box falls down they all do!  Curse you Kraft!  Anyway one of the boxes opened and the powder and noodles went all over the place.  While sweeping this up, I thought “why in the blue hell would anyone find powdered cheese to taste good?!” Nothing sounds more unappealing or to believe something cheesier could come from this is the biggest misconception someone could make.  Astronauts shouldn’t even have to eat this garbage.

This doesn’t stop with just the boxed mac and cheese either.  Easy Mac, the little containers of this that takes one minute to make, is the greatest culinary sin of the 21st century.  If mac and cheese or any food for that matter takes less than a minute to prepare then you have problems.  Mac and cheese takes time to make if you’re being consistent and want to make an actual good mac and cheese.  A friend of mine a few years ago said she loved the Easy Mac because it’s “easy to make and is cheap.”  So is shit, but if you’ve come this far I believe they’re one in the same.

I will never eat Kraft mac and cheese again.  If I’m stranded on a desert island and that’s all I had to eat, I’d eat the sand because it has more flavor than your precious powdered cheese.  I do not understand and will not understand the popularity.  I will make sure when I have a family of my own someday that no one will bring that contraband in my home.  It’s homemade or nothing at all.  Don’t worry I’ll spoil my family enough to where they don’t want to eat a blue box of fake macaroni and cheese either.  The world should do the same.