They’re coming. I’ve been telling everyone for years, but nobody wanted to listen. Now faces are being eaten. People are gutting themselves and throwing their entrails at cops as they’re being chased down. Kids in Florida high schools are breaking out in mysterious rashes that doctors cannot explain. There comes a point where coincidence becomes more, and we’re just about at that point. You can blame this on “bath salts” or just plain crazy all you want, but you’d do well to start taking precautions. The federal government came out and denied the existence of zombies, and since they’re so honest and forthcoming with everything else, people are breathing a sigh of relief. Bad idea. Though we haven’t seen a true reanimation yet (at least not one that’s been reported), the incidents we have seen may just be the beginning. You’d better get your gun license now, while there’s still civilization, and stock the hell up. Fortify your dwelling, but be ready to stay mobile if need be.

I have personally always wished for a zombie apocalypse. People say I’m crazy, but I would much rather spend my days being chased by zombies than ever have to go to work or pay taxes again. I should finish reading the Zombie Survival Guide, just to make sure I’m ready.

Remember the two most important rules for surviving a zombie apocalypse, as taught to us by the zombie smash Zombieland:



And my own personal rule:


I’ll see you out there. Goodnight, and good luck.