I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream (All Year Long)

Those of you that know me are aware that I harbor heated opinions on and passions for many things. This week, there is one subject in particular that I would like to talk about- ICE CREAM. More specifically, I would like to address the widely-held notion that ice cream should be a seasonal food and that it makes perfect sense to stop eating it during the winter simply because it’s cold outside. To be clear, I don’t even eat ice cream very often. I love it, but it’s filling and really not good for you in any way. However, the fact that so many people reserve it only for enjoyment in the summer is just downright absurd. First of all, it is safe to assume that in the winter, if you’re consuming some mint chocolate chip awesomness, you’re not standing outside while you’re doing it. If you’re in the comfort of your own home or in an ice cream shop that makes enough money to turn on the heat, what difference does the outside temperature make? Ice cream doesn’t flash freeze your entire body, making the bitter cold outside that much worse when you’re ready to trek out into the winter chill. Conversely, having any sort of dairy product curdling in your stomach while the sun throws 90 degrees of hell your way is a worst practice. Also, who wants their vanilla/chocolate twist soft serve melting all over them as they stroll down the boardwalk? So to confine two scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough in a waffle cone to the dead of summer seems like nonsense to me.

From this day forward, I’m proposing a law that requires everyone to get their head right, and stop thinking that it’s too cold to eat ice cream during the winter months. This is a bill worthy of the tax payer’s dollar. I expect you all to sign it.