Ketchup is arguably the best condiment in the world (even though honey mustard is a fairly close second in my book. It is versatile, delicious and deserves all the heralds that can be given to a topping or ingredient of any sort. It goes perfectly with chicken, burgers, potatoes, eggs and hot dogs (yes, hot dogs- this is not tantamount to blasphemy or communism, despite unpopular opinion). Pouring it from a glass bottle is an artform, and the farting noise a squeeze bottle makes is even entertaining. I do have a bone to pick with ketchup packets, however, as they are the most inefficient and wasteful vessel in which this awesome topping is brought to us. You never know how many packets you need, and you end up having to use several handfuls of them just to get a decent amount on your plate. Bottles are the way to go when it comes to this god of the condiment world. Ketchup is a main ingredient in barbeque and cocktail sauces (which are awesome, of course), and may even have some health benefits. Lycopene, commonly found in the mighty tomato, is a powerful antioxidant (and anyone who knows me knows how I feel about antioxidants). I’ve even gotten my ass kicked by ketchup on several occasions, and they were the best ass-kickings I’ve ever received.

Ketchup is great, and so were the last two minutes of your life, which you will never get back. You’re welcome. Over and out.